Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
