I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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