I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
