There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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