how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How drunk are you?
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