I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
