like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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