Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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