a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
