words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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