I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
