my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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