Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
