i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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