Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
