my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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