you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.