I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.