you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
