Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
