I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
