I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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