i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think my moral compass just broke
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