just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
