She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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