just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
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