then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
