What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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