"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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