I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
We got so high we made milksteak
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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