Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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