you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
