nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
