Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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