I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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