Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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