Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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