he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
