I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
handjob tips. give me some.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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