I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
