mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
