If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
