We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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