**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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