Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
