he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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