theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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