Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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