woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
