She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
