she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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