Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
