I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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