I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
