There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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