Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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