theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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