You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
