I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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