some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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