My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
