It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
