Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
