based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
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He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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