New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
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They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
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Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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