The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
